Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Well, this explains it:

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour