Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

☠️

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.