What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
#TopTip
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
jesus christ confetti not now
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that