Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh no, steve’s working tonight

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

You can’t rush stupid.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.