What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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My humor is broken
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Breaking news:
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv