What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
You Might Also Like
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now