What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My dad teaching me to drive
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*