Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi