What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Okay me first
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.