What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.