Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

“i miss shittin on people”

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

not to brag, but mine was free

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”