What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
🤣🤣🤣
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.