What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please