Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

My favorite female superhero

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.