What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Venn
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Overindulged this afternoon.
You are not alone 💚
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone