Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.