Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine