“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like