“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
