“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.