Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.