Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.