What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
San Francisco has too many rules
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?