What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Breakfast in bed.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Not even remotely sorry.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.