Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.