What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Woke up against my better judgment again
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.