“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
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just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview