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INFORMER!!!
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A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.