what the
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.