What the dentist sees
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m literally crying
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.