What the dentist sees
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS