What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Tremendous stuff
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
hmm conte-me mais
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.