What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.