“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.