Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Pee pressure > peer pressure

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

#milo

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡