What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?