Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Breakfast in bed.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

this has to be peak English

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.