What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Lmaoo 😂
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.