Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

me after drinking all the wine:

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

when she block me on everything

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to