What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too