what the hell girl, sure
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When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
dutch is not a serious language
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Why? Just why? 😂