what the hell girl, sure
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How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.