what the hell girl, sure
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my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended