What the hell happened here.
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me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Breaking news:
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.