What the hell happened here.
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My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
