What the hell happened here.
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
incredible google review i just found
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.