What the hell happened here.
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Good morning.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.