What the hell happened here.
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.