What the hell happened in there??
You Might Also Like
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
