What the hell happened in there??
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again