What the hell is going on?
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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
gm
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
