What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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Noted.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.