What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I’m calling the cops.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
