What the hell is going on?
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”