what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.