what the hell pray for carter everyone
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*watches the world burn*
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Cashiers are always checking me out
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.