What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
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If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Stop
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
You deplete me
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.