Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does