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@UnFitz

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

@SardonicTart

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

@osoplain

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

@Bob_Heller

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

@iphone420s

me: better check my phone for texts from friends
me: *checks phone*
me: better get some friends

@KelFocker

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

@Rollinintheseat

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.