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god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal


Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it


[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot


“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”


I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food


*scrawls note on deserted isle*
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*


If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.


Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.


My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.