@CopBroughtPizza
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
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@CopBroughtPizza
@IndecisiveJones
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
@ArfMeasures
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
@Brampersandon_
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
@GlennyRodge
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
@meganamram
I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
@justabloodygame
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
@samalmightysam
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
@Maxine12339
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
@Brianhopecomedy
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.