There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I already tried new things thanks.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg