Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

If only

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)