What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
You Might Also Like
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
dutch is not a serious language
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”