Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

every single time

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Meow?

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct