What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
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[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.