What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….