Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

welp

I hate my earbuds.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

craving $300 all of a sudden

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too