What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
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C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy