Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

THE AUDACITY. 😤

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

🖤✌🏽

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Me trying to look natural in photos