[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic
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*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
When I see a car with a Romney bumper sticker driving near a car with an Obama sticker I want them to turn into transformers & battle
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My dealer texts to ask if I’m straight and I’m not even sure how that’s relevant to our arrangement
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*