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I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.


If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,


When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.


Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-



*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP


Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.


My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.


Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go