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@sarah1mc

I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.

@UnFitz

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@GensPlace

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

@preciousadidas

Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-

Obama

@8bitf0x

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

@juanadog

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

@Boymachinist

My bad sir! I completely misunderstood the term “carjacking”.

@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go