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@eyeswidebutt

[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic

@bellicosejason

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

@PaperWash

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

@SortaBad

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

@karencreets

When I see a car with a Romney bumper sticker driving near a car with an Obama sticker I want them to turn into transformers & battle

@krissywillbretz

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

@jake_lach

My dealer texts to ask if I’m straight and I’m not even sure how that’s relevant to our arrangement

@Tmoney68

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

@sarcasm_inc

*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
oh ok