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@SweetestSarcasm

Get Married…

Then you’ll never have to make a simple decision alone again.

@blaha_Who

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

@Matt_the_1st

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

@Gender_Thief

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

@welfarehoe

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

@kyle_thatisall

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

@FuckabillyRex

It’s hard to feel dangerous when you’ve had the hiccups for 45 minutes.

@GrandadJFreeman

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

@meganamram

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

@Man_Ona_Ledge

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.