what the
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oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”