What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.