What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
You Might Also Like
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.