What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin