What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
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[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Interior designer.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If you know, you know
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!