What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
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A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,